Happy Easter

I had a great day yesterday.  It was sunny for a lot of the day although it was cold.  The kids had a great time with their Easter baskets, egg hunting and egg decorating.  They also got a bunch of treats and some good food.  I got to play with them, read them books and relax a little.  There’s a lot to clean up today though.

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Mostly I am glad for Jesus and His teaching of love, acceptance and tolerance, and his gift of grace.  I choose to believe, it is a beautiful and peaceful belief.  I am grateful for his sacrifice and for his understanding of pain, sorrow and love.  That when I am in pain, sorrow or sickness–  He fully understands and knows my pain and that I am not alone because of Him– He is there even though I can’t see Him– I can feel Him in my heart.  That I can connect to Him anytime, anywhere, anyplace– I can feel a pure love and peace in my heart.  “Be still, and know that I am God.”

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The Twins Turn 5

My twin boys turned 5 today.  They were so excited for their birthday.  They just wanted to play the WiiU, and they figured out and asked yesterday if they could play for D’s birthday yesterday and M’s birthday today– tricky– couldn’t say “no”.  We let them play once everybody was done with their schoolwork while we went to pick out gifts at the dollar store.  They also got their hydration backpacks from their grandparents a tradition for 5th birthdays and they got new sleeping bags from their other grandma.  They loved everything, they are such happy little boys, so excited for everything. They each got their own cakes and they will have their friends over to go sledding and have cake again on Sat.  Life is very simple when you are 5, and I am really glad I get to spend so much time with these pleasant 5 yr. olds.

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These little guys certainly changed out lives forever.  The pregnancy was really hard.  We remodeled our whole house to make room for them at Christmastime. For 2 weeks in the winter, the only available toilet to use was in the basement with nailtacks for the carpet sticking up with 5 little kids who were scared to go down there alone and me huge carrying 2 babies in my womb.

We had to upgrade our van to a monster van which did not fit in the garage.  We would carry first one baby and then the other baby up the stairs to the front door of the house in the snow after they were born.  I nursed them both, and quickly learned I’d better do it at the same time if I wanted to have any chance of doing anything else including eat and go to the bathroom. I finally found out what other young mothers were talking about with exhaustion– I hadn’t experienced it until I had twins.

There was always a baby to hold and the kids loved them.  We would put up a baby gate to the door of their room and assign an older kid to keep them happy so we would know where they were, and I could make dinner.  One of them would jump in the other’s crib.  One crawled at 6 months and the other at 9 months, one walked at 12 months and the other at 16 months.

They loved books and stories, we took them with us every week to my older son’s vision therapy appointments.  They liked going places, driving worked for us as long as I packed enough food and water. The rest is a happy blur,  they were just so dang cute. They made me smile even though there was a lot of other unhappy things outside of the family we had to deal with at the time, and which resulted in a lot of growth, maturity and understanding, eventually.

We moved again to a house we built that took much longer to build than planned, but the garage was big enough to fit our van and there were no stairs up to the front door.  We also had one more baby, because we didn’t want to end on the craziness that was the twins, and we couldn’t do anything really anyway with 2 toddlers, so why not even it up, maybe we’d get a girl ( we didn’t– we got a wild cute little boy)?  That was my easiest, best pregnancy.  But then we had 3 in diapers again.  So very many diapers, first the one and then the other.  My fingers got infected from those very grown up diapers as the twins neared 3. I started using gloves after that.  Then we potty-trained them, my husband worked on a start-up and my older kids finished some schooling and we moved again.

This time our move was across the country from Utah to New Hampshire. Exactly 1 yr. ago yesterday we pulled up to our new house and town that we had never even seen before except on google maps.  We celebrated the twins’ 4th birthday the day after we got here.  And now a whole year has passed and it has be awesome and wonderful.  And today we got to celebrate our special babies who are now easy and happy little kids, eager to learn, eager to please and happy to have a few things from the dollar store. Truly I am blessed, my heart is full!  And we survived twins, we made it– now it’s not a big deal that they are twins.  We can just enjoy them, they are super cute!!

Prayer and God

Today I am thankful for prayer and for God.  He has softened my heart, helped me to forgive, healed my hurt heart, calmed my troubled soul and blessed me and comforted me and is always available to me.

It has been about a year since we moved from Utah to New Hampshire– we got here on January 13 last year.  So last year at this time we were packing and cleaning and our dog was sick and eventually died on New Year’s Day.  It was the close of a chapter of our lives, there were many emotions both good and bad, and the future was completely unknown– I had never even visited Boston or New Hampshire– I had only been to NYC one time 25 years ago.  We rented our house just by looking at google maps and having a lady I connected with through a fb group just go look at the house to make sure there wasn’t anything dangerous or strange about it.

It has been an amazing, healing, learning, growing, understanding and loving year, full of many firsts for our family. We could not have picked a more perfect place for us.  Even the location of our house on a quiet dead end street within a mile of the village, that there was no way to tell how nice that would be until we got here is awesome.   I’ve loved the trees and the country roads and the cute towns and the New England architecture.  I love the history that is everywhere and the connection I feel to the past as well as a broader understanding of the people who settled my country.  Even my 2 favorite stores Costco and Trader Joe’s are right near each other only 25 min. away and Whole Foods is 15 min. away.  Homeschooling is awesome here with an outstanding online school system.  And the schools and the library have been great too, not to mention all the field trips and tons of things to do at every season– swimming, skiing, running, hiking, touring, etc.

I started out here very guarded and unsure, and the people here let me be.  They were so busy living their own lives, they allowed me to live mine without comment or thought, which was so liberating and wonderful.  They didn’t care that I’m frumpy and have 8 kids and buy tons of bananas every week and homeschool.  It was so nice.   I appreciate the people and the acceptance I have felt here, pretty much in all my interactions with a few exceptions.  So I have been able to relax, I have been able to introspect and read some really helpful books.  I have gained even more understanding of our situation in Utah and why it was so hard for us.  I have also been able to identify which things trigger me, and why I could get so bothered.  I learned tools that help with that.

My anxiety is almost completely gone.  I have learned that God or my source values me and loves me regardless of what I do. I am not how I look or what I do or how clean my house is or how great my kids are.  I am a person, a being that when I close my eyes and think about it, it is hard to truly grasp or even comprehend what exactly that means.  I am not just my body, I am not just my mind or just my soul.  They are all connected and wonderful. It is nice to think of my spirit and who I was before I was born and who I will be when I die, that there must be more than just this fleeting mortal life. I have been able to truly accept myself. I have been able to tap into that source of love and acceptance as I am mindful of my surroundings, the sounds, the sensations of touch, that I didn’t take notice of enough before, and the beauty of nature.

It has been a beautiful and wonderful journey, a year of much healing and love.  I continue to learn and grow.  For awhile it was hard to pray, but it is becoming easy and wonderful to me again. The Savior or my source took away some bitter and angry and sad feelings I felt in my heart as I prayed today and on other occasions for the ability to love others unconditionally especially those who annoy me and remind me of mean people.  As I prayed today, I felt peace and love fill my heart.  The hurtful actions were put into perspective and I was able to accept that not everyone will like me, I won’t get to do everything I would like to do, and my focus shifted to my blessings and to a heart full of gratitude.  Instead of seeing the annoying, I was able to truly see and focus on the good and the wonderful.

As I prayed, and after I prayed, it was like magic as I was no longer triggered by things that would upset me before, I felt love for people even those who don’t understand me and those who have been mean.  I can return kindness and love instead of more hurt and pain.  I feel so grateful for this new realization and way to connect to God/Jesus/Source and feel His love that fixes all ill.  Prayer is a very good thing. God is closer to us than we realize, and it is easier to connect to Him than we realize.

Thank you for reading, it makes me so happy to share, I want everyone to know they too can find this peace and love, if and when they are ready in their own time. It really is just a prayer away. Peace and blessings to you.